creative hesitation

Mid winter Monday afternoon here in Minnesota. Often this looks like an afternoon nap. But the gift bag in the corner stocked with some creative items is calling my name, again. At times this is an encourging voice “whoo hoo – over here! come on – you’ll have fun!” But mostly this calling my name is more like name-calling: ‘na na nana naa naa, you can’t catch me – you wouldn’t know what to do with me if you tried!!’

I decide to be half convinced by the first voice and timidly move towards the bag.

I am a girl. So anything in a fresh package has an appeal. These little tubes of paint are adorable. Maybe I shouldn’t wreck their tidyness by using them at all? There it is, I feel the creative hesitation beginning. The stuck place is coming and I already dread the failure that will follow. What to paint – where is everything I would want to use – and really – again – what to paint on the stark- white- meer 16 square inch canvas? So tempted to repack these and head towards my nap - but this new accountability I have with friends is giving me a needed push. I start setting up and chose to assume an idea will come.

The drop cloth is in the garage. Get that in place. Smooth it out a bit more to buy my imagination more time. I sit, coffee not hot enough, 22 seconds in the microwave, sip, page through a magazine. Nothing. Then I realize, the mood isn’t right. A thought pops in my head – I always feel real creative in Anthropologie – so I grab a candle from there and light it. I hear Mr. C still babbling in his crib yet to fall asleep- so there is still time to get paint on a brush. I really like the yellow on the candle. Bing. I go in the kitchen and grab an old yellow plate. I love yellow and grey lately. Hmmm…silverware? So I play and realize this could be something to go off of….

If I want to feel any satisfaction of completion – during this short window of time – I need to move on this ounce of inspiration. Though in reality I am not sure if it is enough to really go off of at this point.

I start painting with yellow - enjoying myself. I don’t bother with coats thoroughly drying, no time for that.  Thankfully I am a fan of the messy look. The first fork looks more like a rake, I do it over. As I am brushing the paint on, I am tilting my head, possibly humming a bit and I notice an amazing something.

My mind is quite blank, dare I say quiet….yet not bored.

Interesting combination that I don’t experience often, or ever. I wonder if this new quiet is a shift in brain pattern. I may have tricked my mind into hushing the typical active thought process since it is focused on being creative. Indeed a bonus.

So I got here this time. I painted. Do I like the result? Parts of it I do indeed like. The yellow and the lack of clean lines has a friendly fun feel. Will I hang them under my kitchen cubboards to give that space some life? Will I add more detail or age them a bit? Not sure yet. Just really enjoyed getting some color on canvas with the strokes of a brush.

This little push with friends seemed to help me hurdle over the hesitation. Cause really – who of us really wants to move toward something that could easily land in pile of discouragement. Is it really that the creativity is there waiting and it takes some accountability or some kind of push for me to show up to it? Is it indeed a permanent part of me? Something for me to be curious about.

As one who calls herself a non-finisher (more name-calling) I am considering that for today, these are finished. All in a naptime. Oh, that is except for getting everything cleaned up. It’s those kind of details that tend to get me. Therefore the after nap-time photo.